Living Donor: Kidney Donation patient story

Donor: Jessica Stillman (daughter)
Recipient of Kidney: Andrea Stillman (mother)

"The ability to donate has given my life meaning and I encourage you to seek (or acknowledge) the same in yours." - Jessica Stillman

The day is finally here. Tomorrow morning I am donating one of my kidneys to my mom. Now I am not usually the type of person to share such personal information, but I hope that telling part of our story will touch and inspire others in some way.

To say that going through the transplant evaluation process with my family this past year was hard is an understatement. Attending all of my mom’s medical appointments while trying to simultaneously balance my comprehensive exam, the internship application process, and normal graduate school chaos was physically and mentally exhausting—more stressful than I could have ever imagined. But, I am truly grateful for this experience because I have been able to learn so much about myself and how resilient people can be.

We started this journey thinking that I was not going to be a viable candidate for donation. As I listened to the doctors describe how low my mom’s lab values were getting at each successive appointment, I became overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness. Although I felt that I needed to stay strong (or at least appear stable and balanced) for my mom’s sake, the thought of her starting dialysis, waiting years for a kidney from a deceased donor that might not even be all that healthy, and potentially losing her earlier than expected was tearing me up inside. And what made it worse was the feeling that I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt as if my life and everything in it was suddenly out of my control. I did not feel ready for this.

When we realized I could get additional testing to clear me as a donor I volunteered to be evaluated without hesitation. While I felt extremely supported by some, I also experienced a decent bit of pushback (albeit genuine concern) from others: “But you haven’t even had kids yet.” “What about the risks?” “Aren’t you scared?” Well, yes. Of course I am. But is that a bad thing? No. Was that going to change my decision? No. It is okay to be scared. It is okay to be upset. And it is okay to be vulnerable. Vulnerability leads to strength and courage. Some people think that strong is to never feel pain. In reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it, accept it, and learn from it. As a fortune cookie once reminded me, the healthy and strong individual is one who asks for help when he or she needs it.

Despite my apparent comfort with all of this, I still had several bouts of questioning whether to move forward with the evaluation. Should I really put myself in a position to be more at risk (although very low) for certain health issues in the future? Should I really go through with this in the middle of the internship application season? Should I just wait and see who else is willing to get tested? I started to engage in some serious self-reflection. And what I realized is that a life full of fear and ‘what ifs’ is not a life I want to live. I feel comfortable with my decision and knowing that I can be a part of helping my mom live a life she still deserves provides me happiness. It gives my life purpose and meaning.

The Dalai Lama once said, “When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways—either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.” I am so fortunate to have found this kind of strength in myself. The ability to donate has given my life meaning and I encourage you to seek (or acknowledge) the same in yours. What is important to you? What do you value? How do you want to live your life?

There are so many messages I hope to spread through my personal and professional life, but here are some of my favorites that have helped me get through: Embrace change. Acknowledge fear. Talk about how you feel. Be courageous and accept challenges. Be confident, but learn from your mistakes. Grow. Evolve. Progress. Love genuinely and laugh often. Be truthful and kind to others. Remind yourself what a privilege it is to be alive. You are capable of amazing things—do not take that for granted. I hope you consider what kind of difference you can make for yourself and to others. It does not matter how big or how small. Life is too short and unpredictable to not live it exactly as you please.

Thank you to those who have provided support to our family this past year—I hope you know how much it means to me. Feel free to share our story. You never know who will benefit or what someone might be going through. I love you, Mom. You are my hero and my best friend. Now, let’s show them what we are made of!
- By Jessica Stillman

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